I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. - They got excited and asked if I
could drive a truck.
Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery,
The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord,
make me win the lottery!
Suddenly he hears a voice from above:
Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.
Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out
from under the blanket.
Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball
bat and beats and beats until all movement stops.
After that she
goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns
to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep
here tonight, my parents came for a surprise visit."
Me and my wife, we've decided that we don't want to have children. So
anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we
will bring you one.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? -
Police: “Open the door!” - Man: “I don’t want any balls!” -
Police: “What? We don’t have balls!” - Man: “I know.”
A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
- Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”
Mr. Smith: “Doctor,
do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed
Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
“I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
- Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. - You don’t need
make-up, Jane. - Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! -
You need plastic surgery.
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have
any last requests?” - "Yes," replies the murderer.
“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?” - “Do you see those 4 trees, son? An
alcoholic would see 8 trees.” - “Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in
through the window instead of the door.“
Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!” - “And what do you
expect for the price? A ballet?!” Next Part Funniest jokes
of all times