A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much!
Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third
Bob: "Holy schmoozes, I just fell off a 30 ft ladder."
Jim: "No way
man, are you okay?"
Bob: "Yeah, luckily I was just on the first
Police officer: “Your car is too heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you
continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce
When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
one says: “You need to eat that chocolate.”
The other voice goes:
“You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
Are you two twins?
No, why do you ask?
Because mommy dressed
you both in the same clothes.
OK that’s enough, your driver’s license
Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to
She said no, on both occasions.
clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"
Man: "In the United States."
Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"
Man: "My entire body."
My wife is a bit weird. She always starts her talking with “Michael, are you
listening to me?”
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of
many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured
him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t
have a penny anymore.
Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me
really good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the
irritated comments of the cashier.
Does your dog bite?
Oh, so how do you feed him?
“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel immediately!”
“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”
Do you want to hear a joke backwards?
Very good, start
My SMS autocorrect just changed "I’m so concerned with existential anxieties
it is difficult to breathe" to "I feel great".
Why couldn’t Mrs. Dracula sleep properly?
Because of Dracula’s
The police stops a computer hardware engineer: “Your light isn’t working.
You have to get off your bike.”
IT guy: “I tried that but the light
still isn’t working.”
Bus driver to passenger: Don’t you want to sit down?
Passenger: No, I
am in a hurry.