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Best Word Puns

The best first: One pen to the other: You are INKredible.
Our funniest categories:
 

Amusing play on Words

Best Puns Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

See also: New Puns | Dad Jokes

Punctuation can change a whole sentence. Observe: “Let’s eat, Grandma!” “Let’s eat, punctuation.”
The 3 unwritten rules of business:

1.
2.
3.
Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.

I don’t want to cut my hair! I’m really attached to it!
Notice on a shoe repair shop:
 
I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.
Corny Weather Pun


When does a car perform at its worst?
 
When it's not tired.
Do you know what my dream job is?
-
[NO]
-
Cashier. Women are literally lining up for you.
Why did the octopus blush?
 
He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!

(Check out more Double meaning jokes)

Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?
-
There are too many bugs.

(Don't miss out on our Smart and clever jokes)
I’d love to know how the Earth rotates. It would totally make my day.
Why is the math book so sad?
-
It's got too many problems!
Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? -- He's all right now.“
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!

(Explore new Dad jokes)
How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.
Why was the tomato all red?
 
It saw the salad dressing.

What would you call a fish with a missing eye?

A fsh, probably.

Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
Is it really wise to invest with somebody called a "broker"?

A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

“Sorry,” growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.”
How to achieve a beach body?

1. Have a body

2. Arrive at the beach.

(More Horrible jokes)

I fear my stuttering brother may never finish his prison sentence.
I was kind of bored lately so I decided to take up fencing.
-
But the neighbors are threatening to call the police unless I put it down again.
Does your wife scream when she is coming?
-
No, my wife has a key to the door.
Backfiring Pun


How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Well, one, but the light bulb really has to change itself.
What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall?

Dam!!!
Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.
They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.

I wonder why there aren’t any more cemeteries around. People are really dying to get in there.

(More Tasteless jokes)
I saw an offer in a shop

“TV for $4.50 – the volume is stuck on maximum"

It was an offer I simply couldn’t turn down.
Why is life in North Korea so hard?
 
Because North Korea lost its Seoul.
What were the words of a truck driver after he got a flat?
 
Darn, this is a wheely bad time.

   (Explore more Bad dad jokes)
What is the computer’s favorite food? Microchips.
How many Mexicans are necessary to screw in a light bulb?
 
Only Juan.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator door?
-
Close the door, will you? I’m dressing!
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back.
-
I think it would be truly alarming.

There’s a special type of people who are always in a hurry.

The Rushians.
I spent days making a wooden car with wooden wheels. It just wooden work.
Loyal Arms Joke

Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.
Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.

(Don't miss our Black jokes)
Why is a skeleton a bad liar?
-
You can see right through it.
Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.
A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?"
-
Pharmacists: "Nope, I feel fine."
Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail?
 
The retail store of course.

(Visit the Dad jokes section)

One skeleton to the other: Man, I’m so hard in love with Bella, I can barely think straight. I’d love to ask her out but I just don’t have the guts.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

What is a typical diet of a sea monster?

 Fish and ships.
Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

(More Shower thoughts)
They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.
 
Policemen are looking into it now.

(Check out our Double meaning jokes)
I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.
Losing a wife can be truly hard. Sometimes almost impossible.
One eye winks at the other, you know, between you and me, there’s something smelling.
What should a proper lawyer wear to a court?
-
A good law suit.

I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.

(Have a look at our Smart puns)
It’s not nice making fun of fat people.
-
They’ve got enough on their plates as it is.
Can February March? No, but April May.

When you get depressed in the middle of winter, just chuck some butter from your window.
 
You’ll see a butterfly.
Somebody stole all my lamps. I couldn’t be more delighted.
Crossing DNA Pun


My girlfriend bet me I’d never be able to build a car out of spaghetti. She sure looked surprised as I drove pasta.
Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory?
 
Hundreds of soles were lost!
Why are there so few schools in the jungles of eastern Africa?
 
Because there are too many cheetahs.

Why are Apple staff absolutely forbidden to fart in Apple stores?

Because there are no windows.

(More Computer  jokes)
Why does your dog run into the corner each time the bell rings?
-
He’s a Boxer.

I just stepped on some Cheerios on the floor.
-
You can call me a cereal killer now!
A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."
A Spanish magician has a grand magical show and at the end he says he will disappear after counting to three. He starts to count, "Un, dos..."

Kazaam! He vanished without a tres.
Nurse to a doctor: Doctor, here’s your list of heart, liver and kidney donors. I already sorted them alphabetically.
-
Doctor: Excellent job. Seriously well organ-ized.
Once you contract an infection of the bladder, urine trouble.

(Read more Inappropriate jokes)

Have you heard there was a kidnapping at the school?
[NO]
But it’s fine now, the kid woke up again.

(More funny Kids jokes)
My friend commented that my clothes looked pretty gay. Well, said I, they did come out of the closet...
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
-
A: Just needs a little boogey!
What kind of a driver doesn’t know how to drive?

The screwdriver.
I got drunk yesterday and ate some scrabble tiles because it seemed fun. Now that I'm sober, I fear my next poop could spell disaster.
I bought shoes from a second hand shop. I think they must've belonged to some junkie though because I've been tripping the whole day.

Three guys walk into a bar. Why? Because they’re blind.
I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness. It came out of the green.
Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.
I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breathtaking experience.
Cheesy Pun


I have butterflies in my stomach.
-
Paul (11), a.k.a. The Boy Who’d Eat Just About Anything
“Esrowneve” may look like gibberish, but when you put it backwards, it’s even worse…
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do?
-
Finds the nearest skyscraper.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar.
 
Things get tense.

(More jokes for smart people)

What’s the difference between a sticker, a tuna, and a piano?"

"No idea."

"You could tuna piano, but you couldn’t piano a tuna."

"Oh. And what’s with the sticker?"

"I knew you'd get stuck there."
Why did Billy throw his pocket watch out of the window?
-
Because he heard his parents saying that time flies.
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime, no problem!
Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool.
-
Ok, give him a bucket of water then.
The most exciting beverage for a soccer player? The penaltea!
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?"

I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

Will sell broken marionettes. No strings attached.
What do you get when you crossbreed fish with elephants?
 
Swimming trunks.
A boy ate some coins for fun and his parents took him to the hospital. One hour later the parents asked the nurse how it was going. Apparently, “no change yet.”

How do monsters prefer their eggs?
-
Terrifried.
Salt meets pepper on a plate and says, “I’m feeling all scattered today.”

Best Puns Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

See also: New Puns | Dad Jokes






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