Amusing play on Words
Punctuation can change a whole sentence. Observe: “Let’s eat, Grandma!”
“Let’s eat, punctuation.”
The 3 unwritten rules of business:
1.
2.
3.
Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.
Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail?
To the retail
store.
Why did the octopus blush?
He’d just seen the bottom of the
ocean!!!!
Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm
amputated after a car crash? -- He's all right now.“
Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!
Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
Is it really wise to invest with somebody called a "broker"?
A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
“Sorry,”
growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.”
How to achieve a beach body?
1. Have a body
2. Arrive at
the beach.
I was kind of bored lately so I decided to take up fencing.
-
But
the neighbors are threatening to call the police unless I put it down again.
Your shit is my daily bread.
Michael, 36, Sewage worker
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
-
Well,
one, but the light bulb really has to change itself.
What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall?
Dam!!!
Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.
They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be
great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.
II saw an offer in a shop
–
“TV for $64.50 – the volume is stuck
on maximum"
–
It was an offer I simply couldn’t turn down.
Why is life in North Korea so hard?
Because North Korea lost its
Seoul.
I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the
streets for years.
There’s a special type of people who are always in a hurry.
The
Rushians.
Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.
Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He
pastaway.
A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have headaches, my belly cramps,
I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts. Do you have something?"
-
Pharmacists: "Nope, I
feel fine."
Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?
-
There are too many
bugs.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his
case.
They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing
rooms.
Policemen are looking into it now.
Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?
I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past
the time I got a new keyboard.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
Can February March? No, but April May.
Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory?
Hundreds of
soles were lost!
Why are Apple staff absolutely forbidden to fart in Apple stores?
Because there are no windows.
Why does your dog run into the corner each time the bell rings?
-
He’s a Boxer.
I just stepped on some Cheerios on the floor.
-
You can call me a
cereal killer now!
The guests in this hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and
shampoos from their rooms.
Dirty bastards!
Once you contract an infection of the bladder, urine trouble.
Have you heard there was a kidnapping at the school?
[NO]
But it’s
fine now, the kid woke up again.
My friend commented that my clothes looked pretty gay. Well, said I,
they did come out of the closet...
Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor
swimming pool.
-
Ok, give him a bucket of water then.
A boy ate some coins for fun and his parents took him to the hospital.
One hour later the parents asked the nurse how it was going. Apparently, “no
change yet.”
Best Puns Part 1 |
Part 2 |
Part 3 See also:
New Puns
|
Dad Jokes
