Best Word Puns

 

Amusing play on Words

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Punctuation can change a whole sentence. Observe: “Let’s eat, Grandma!” “Let’s eat, punctuation.”

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The 3 unwritten rules of business:

1.
2.
3.

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Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.

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Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail?
 
To the retail store.

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Why did the octopus blush?
 
He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!

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Have you heard about this dude who had to have his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? -- He's all right now.“

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Which bees produce milk? The boo-bees!

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Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.

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Is it really wise to invest with somebody called a "broker"?

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A bacon sandwich walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

“Sorry,” growls the bartender, “we don’t serve food here.”

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How to achieve a beach body?

1. Have a body

2. Arrive at the beach.

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I was kind of bored lately so I decided to take up fencing.
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But the neighbors are threatening to call the police unless I put it down again.

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Your shit is my daily bread.

Michael, 36, Sewage worker

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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
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Well, one, but the light bulb really has to change itself.

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What did the fish say when it hit its head on a wall?

Dam!!!

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Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.

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They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.

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II saw an offer in a shop
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“TV for $64.50 – the volume is stuck on maximum"
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It was an offer I simply couldn’t turn down.

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Why is life in North Korea so hard?
 
Because North Korea lost its Seoul.

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I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.

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There’s a special type of people who are always in a hurry.

The Rushians.

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Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.

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Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.

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A guy walks into a pharmacy: "I have headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like I'm about to vomit and my back hurts. Do you have something?"
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Pharmacists: "Nope, I feel fine."

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Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?
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There are too many bugs.

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A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

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They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.
 
Policemen are looking into it now.

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Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

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I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.

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What do you call the wife of a hippie?

Mississippi.

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Can February March? No, but April May.

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Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory?
 
Hundreds of soles were lost!

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Why are Apple staff absolutely forbidden to fart in Apple stores?

Because there are no windows.

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Why does your dog run into the corner each time the bell rings?
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He’s a Boxer.

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I just stepped on some Cheerios on the floor.
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You can call me a cereal killer now!

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The guests in this hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

Dirty bastards!

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Once you contract an infection of the bladder, urine trouble.

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Have you heard there was a kidnapping at the school?
[NO]
But it’s fine now, the kid woke up again.

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My friend commented that my clothes looked pretty gay. Well, said I, they did come out of the closet...

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Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool.
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Ok, give him a bucket of water then.

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A boy ate some coins for fun and his parents took him to the hospital. One hour later the parents asked the nurse how it was going. Apparently, “no change yet.”

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Best Puns Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

See also: New Puns | Dad Jokes