Funniest Short Jokes - Part 5 (Try Not to Laugh)

Try not to laugh

 
 A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the zoo.

“Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.

“Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”

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I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

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We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there. Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was "Michael".

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“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
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“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
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“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

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Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?” 
 
Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
 
Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”

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Me and my wife, we've decided that we don't want to have children.

So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

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Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.
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Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.

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“Shall we go out together?”

“Oh please. Spare me. I have a boyfriend, plus, you look like a total loser.”

“Um… Fine, it’s just that – you know, I really have to lock up the store now Miss, so… please go out?" What are flying carrots especially afraid of?
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HeliCHOPters.

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A guy trying to rob a disco: “Everybody, hands up in the air!”
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Everybody: “YEAAHHH!!!! Wooohhoooo!!!”

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Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
 
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
 
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
 
You need plastic surgery.

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Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming to live with you again.
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Mother: "No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

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How do you rob a snowman?
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With a hairdryer.

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I wanted to tell you a vacuum joke. But it sucked really hard.

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I’m always getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place, month after month...
 
It's a seriously vicious cycle.

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  On a first date:

Man: “When I see your smile I wish we could see each other more often.”
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Woman: “Oh, you’re so charming, George…”
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Man: “Not really, I’m a dentist.”

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“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

“And smart, too!”

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It sucks working from home today.

Peter (52), Fireman

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Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
 
She always ran away from the ball.

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  Next: Part 5 (Easy to Remember)
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5