Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get
this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the
spoon before drinking.
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the
Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
The blind start reading your face.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in,
talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you
two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales,
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales
That’s about as far as I remember.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row
The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small
penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student
Where do we get virgin wool from?
Doctor: “Well - Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you're pregnant.”
Mrs. Smith: “Sweet Jesus, that's wonderful, I'm pregnant?!”
“I only said that it seems so. Here's our weight loss brochure.”
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s quite hard to find enough
women willing to wear the same outfit.
Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming
to live with you again.
Mother: No. He should pay for his mistake. I am
coming to live with you.
I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of
the vodka bottle.
“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!” - The waiter backs
up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?
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