A man looks at himself in the mirror: “1 inch more and
I’d be a king.”
The mirror replies: “1 inch less and you’d be a queen.”
I thought somebody was wolf-whistling at me as I went running. But it
was just my lungs.
Facebook: I know everybody.
Google: I can find
anything you want.
Wikipedia: I know everything.
Internet: You’re so
funny. None of that would work without me.
Electricity: Leeeet’s not get
hasty, shall we?
“Take off the bra!”
“Pull down the skirt!”
“And the thong!”
“And never, ever, take my clothes again Henry!!”
I hate it when I have to gain 20 pounds for my part in a movie and then
I remember that I’m not an actor.
Judge: “Your choice now, Mr. Daly.
30 days in prison or a 2,000 dollar payment.”
just awesome. I’ll take the money, please.”
I asked the cashier yesterday if she’s
collecting points. She said that those are her freckles.
Keep it up, with any luck, you'll soon have a behavioral disorder named
In the World War II, the Soviets used the raised fist, the Germans the
raised hand and the Americans the two fingers of V for victory as a
greeting. Sounds suspiciously like a secret game of rock, paper, scissors to
difference between a mirage and a Tinder date?
One is an optical
illusion, the other is an optical disillusion.
A daughter asks her
mother, “Mom, was I really brought to you by the stork?”
“Yes, of course,
storks bring all babies.”
“So you, too?”
Girl’s school report: “It appears nobody in
my family had any intercourse in at least three generations.”
did you fall down?
No, I hugged the floor!
Come on, why are
you crying then?
It was an emotional moment.
Wife: Darling, it was such a hard day. Can you tell me the three magical
words that always make me so happy?
Husband: You are right.
Wife: Very funny, no, the other ones.
Husband: I was wrong.
My face usually wakes up 2 hours after me.
I have a motivational
problem. But only until I reach the point of having a deadline problem.
Does Coke help with diarrhea?
Um… theoretically it
could, if you managed to get the bottle stuck tightly enough.
Why does the US Congress have a dome?
Have you ever seen a
circus with a flat roof?
My milk reached its expiration date today.
So, guess who had 16 portions of corn flakes this morning?
– Is that vodka in your orange juice?
– But it’s 7:30 in the morning!
– That’s why the
– What are you doing here?
– I’m cleaning the windows, you can barely see anything through them
– You stay out of my garden or I’m calling the police!