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Dad Quotes and Sayings

A new one first: I just finished my book on babies.
Seriously, next time, I’m just going to use the table.
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Witty Dad Sayings and Quotes

Witty DAD Sayings, Quotes and Remarks

See also: Dad Jokes Part 1 | Part 2 | New Dad Jokes
Best Puns | Bad Jokes

Funny Dad Remarks and Sayings


“Are you alright dad?”'
 
“Actually, technically, I’m half left and half right.”
Do you know how to make somebody curious?
[No]
I'll tell you tomorrow!
Bad Doctor Joke


Son: I’m really sorry I did it, dad.
-
Dad: Well, son, you know that now I must pun-ish you.
“Oh dad, you gotta save me!”

“And would you like to be a pdf or an xls?”
Dad, I’m done!
-
Hi Done, I’m dad.“

Dad Joke Job
I tried eating healthy but the salad kept falling off the cheeseburger.
I’ll call you later!”
-
“Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
I was struggling with a bad break-up. I was visiting home and I just sighed to my dad, “Dad, give me some good advice. I just feel so worthless sometimes.”

Dad looked at me and said, “Son, let’s not forget that you’re thousands of dollars in debt because of your student loans. So when you look at it, you’re actually below worthless.”
Son: “Am I adopted?”
-
Dad: “Not yet, it seems nobody is interested.“
 Dad, looking at soy milk: “Holá, milk, soy dad.
We had to pull over to let an ambulance whizz by, sirens blaring. My dad was silent for a while and then commented, “I can’t see them selling much ice-cream at this speed.”
“Dad, can you call mom’s phone? She can’t find it.”

“Absolutely! ‘Mom’s phone! Mom’s phone!’”
Daughter: “Oh my God!”-

Dad: “It's fine if you just keep calling me daddy.”
Daughter: “How do I look, daddy?!”
 
Dad: “With your eyes, sweetheart.”
Father: Do you know the joke from the 3rd floor?
-
Son: “No,”
-
Father: Me neither, I was on the 2nd floor at the time.
Do you have a hole in your shoe?
-
[NO]
 What do you mean, no? How did you get your foot in then?"
Hey dad how was your weekend?"
-
"Light, dark, light, dark, Monday."
Dad to his son: "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and dumb."
Daughter to her dad: "What is it?"
-
Dad: “It” is a pronoun.“
Son, did you know I was named after Nikola Tesla?”
-
“But Dad, your name is Michael!”
-
“True, but I was named AFTER him.”
You: “So, dad, I was thinking…”

Dad: “Ohhhhh and I wondered what that high-pitched grinding sound was!” Do you know what makes me smile?
-
My facial muscles.
Dad to his daughter: "Never forget, sweetie, you're unique, like everyone else."
Can you put my shoes on, dad?”
-
“Actually, I think they’re a bit too small for me.”
Me, “Forgive me, but I'm really pissed off now!”

Dad, “Okay, you're forgiven.
Dad on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
 
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot. It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”How do you feel?
[Good]
Wrong. You feel with your skin.
"Honey, why did you build the child's bed so high?" - "We can hear it better if the child falls out."
I love my rock-hard, honed six-pack so much I protect it with a good layer of lard.
You should always keep your cool when handling justice. Otherwise it would become just warm.
Vegetarian is an old Indian word. Originally, it means “a bad hunter”.
Dad, can I leave the table please?
-
Sure, as long as you leave it right where it is.

Wow, my pen can write hands-free! Isn’t that incredible??? It can write all sorts of other words, too!!!

See also: Dad Jokes Part 1 | Part 2 | New Dad Jokes
Best Puns | Bad Jokes






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