Dad Quotes and Sayings

 

Funny Dad Remarks and Sayings

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“Are you alright dad?”'
 
“Actually, technically, I’m half left and half right.”

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Do you know how to make somebody curious?
[No]
I'll tell you tomorrow!

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Son: I’m really sorry I did it.
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Dad: Well, you know that now I must pun-ish you.

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“Oh dad, you gotta save me!”

“And would you like to be a pdf or an xls?”

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Dad, I’m done!
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Hi Done, I’m dad.“

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I’ll call you later!”
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“Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

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I was struggling with a bad break-up. I was visiting home and I just sighed to my dad, “Dad, give me some good advice. I just feel so worthless sometimes.”

Dad looked at me and said, “Son, let’s not forget that you’re thousands of dollars in debt because of your student loans. So when you look at it, you’re actually below worthless.”

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Son: “Am I adopted?”
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Dad: “Not yet, it seems nobody is interested.“

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 Dad, looking at soy milk: “Holá milk, soy dad.

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Daughter: “Oh my God!”-

Dad: “It's fine if you just keep calling me daddy.”

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Daughter: “How do I look, daddy?!”
 
Dad: “With your eyes, sweetheart.”

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Multitask – mess up more things at once!

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Father: Do you know the joke from the 3rd floor?
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Son: “No,”
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Father: Me neither, I was on the 2nd floor at the time.

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Do you have a hole in your shoe?
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[NO]
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 What do you mean, no? How else would you get your foot into it?"

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Dad to his son: "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and dumb."

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Daughter to her dad: "What is it?"
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Dad: “It” is a pronoun.“

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Son, did you know I was named after Nikola Tesla?”
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“But Dad, your name is Michael!”
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“True, but I was named AFTER him.”

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Do you know what makes me smile?
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My facial muscles.

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Dad to his daughter: "Never forget, sweetie, you're unique, like everyone else."

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Me, “Forgive me, but I'm really pissed off now!”

Dad, “Okay, you're forgiven.

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Dad on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
 
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot. It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

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I love my rock-hard, honed six-pack so much I protect it with a good layer of lard.

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Vegetarian is an old Indian word. Originally, it means “a bad hunter”.

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Wow, my pen can write hands-free! Isn’t that incredible??? It can write all sorts of other words, too!!!

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See also: Dad Jokes Part 1 | Part 2 | New Dad Jokes
Best Puns | Bad Jokes