A female kangaroo scratches her stomach for a while like mad and finally yells, “How often do I have to repeat myself, no cookies in bed!!!”
-
King Kong! King Kong!
Little Ernie asks his auntie, “Why do you have such a big tummy, aunt Lisa?”
“Because there’s a baby inside.”
“Do you like babies?”
“Very much!”
“Well I still think it isn’t right to eat them.“
Three bunnies want to jump a wall. First one jumps and clears the wall with a good 4 inch reserve.
The second bunny jumps and makes it over the wall with a 5 inch reserve.
The third bunny jumps and slams headfirst into the wall. When he wakes up, he says, “I must have jumped the highest. I definitely saw some stars.”
Two vampires are catching up and one says, “Yeah, I’ve recently become vegan.”
“Seriously?” says the other, “and what do you eat then?”
“Blood oranges.”
A boy comes into a butchery and stares at the butcher for at least 5 minutes. Finally the butcher asks, “So why do you stare at me for such a long time, boy?” The boy explains: “My mother wanted to know if you have a pig’s tail or pig’s ears.”
“Your brother is so small!” the neighbor says happily to little Paulie.
“Yeah, he’s only my half-brother.”
“Have you ever seen a little calf being born?” asks a farmer Little Johnny.
“No, how is it?”
“Well, first come the front legs, then the head, then the shoulders and the body and finally the hind legs.”
“Wow, cool, and how do you put it all together then?”
The magical goldfish agreed to grant three men a wish each.
The first man wished for a room full of gold.
The second man wished for a room full of diamonds.
The third man wished for keys to those rooms.
A gardener picks up horse droppings off the road. This interests a passerby: “What do you do with the droppings?”
Gardener: “I sprinkle it on my strawberries.”
Passerby: “Funny, we usually use sugar…”
Child: “Mom, I have a good and a bad news.”
Mother: “OK, start with the good one.”
Child: “I scored an A in the math test.”
Mother: “That’s awesome Lisa! And what’s the bad news?”
Child: “That this was only a joke.”
A school proudly installs a long row of coat pegs on the wall, with a sign on the last five: ONLY FOR TEACHERS.
The next day somebody adds: BUT CAN ALSO BE USED FOR COATS.
Why do teachers hate playing hide and seek? Because nobody is ever looking for them.
Miles sits down in a mountain restaurant’s garden and orders a Coke. But when the waiter comes, he brings him 3 Cokes.
“But I’ve just ordered one?” says Miles to the waiter.
“I’m very sorry, we get that problem all the time, sir. It’s the darned echo here.”
Why is it that bicycles fall over so often?
-
They are two-tired.
What is worse than having a roaring T-Rex following you?
-
Having two roaring T-Rexes following you.
Why did Harry the dumb policeman always carry a pair of scissors?
To be able to cut off a suspect’s escape route.
Freddie says to his dad: “When I’m a grown-up, I’m going to marry Grandma!”
Father smiles, “Come on, you can’t marry my mom.”
“And why not? You married mine! “
Why did the donut visit the dentist?
To get a new filling.
Teacher tells Maia, “Name me three African animals.”
Maia: “One lion and two giraffes.”
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