Chuck Norris doesn’t need toilet paper. He uses
wolves.
Chuck Norris can teach women reverse parking.
Kim Jong Un calls Chuck Norris Supreme Leader. The
man in the Moon exists.
It’s a guy Chuck Norris gave a
roundhouse kick to. When Chuck Norris has to go to
the toilet in a cinema, the movie is paused and everybody awaits his
return. Chuck Norris is so manly even his beard has
balls. As a kid, Chuck Norris didn’t finish his
vegetables. He finished them off. Chuck Norris gave
the devil a roundhouse kick. The friction heat is the reason why Hell
is still hot. Spam mails sent to Chuck Norris
autodestruct before they can arrive in his mailbox. Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made of real cowboys!
Recently, a police patrol stopped Chuck Norris when
he was driving along. They got off with only a warning.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity. He got it
back the next day.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet
themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck Norris had a court appointment. But the judge didn't dare to show
up.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs
are standing up.
Chuck Norris seasons his steaks with pepper spray.
Chuck Norris and God had a fist fight once.
Have you ever seen God?
Chuck Norris' computer has no Backspace button.
Chuck Norris makes no mistakes.
Chuck Norris actually solves problems with the
Windows Troubleshooter.
Chuck Norris is still getting updates for Windows XP.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He
got it without a single remark.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. The
person just answers the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris has a Grizzly bear rug. The bear is
alive, but it's too scared to move.
Chuck Norris once had an arm-wrestling competition
with Superman. The bet was that the loser has to then wear his underwear
on top of his trousers.
Chuck Norris has his own joke category.
Chuck Norris is so manly, even his chest hair has
chest hair.
When Chuck Norris walks across the meadow, he doesn’t
smell the flowers. The flowers smell him.
Chuck Norris hasn't filled his gas tank in decades.
His car drives on respect.
Chuck is able to slam a revolving door.
Hilarious Chuck Norris Sayings
Chuck Norris is known to have won an argument with his wife. Contrary to legends, Chuck Norris does need a double.
But he only uses him for scenes where he's supposed to cry.
When it looks like margarine, smells like margarine,
tastes like margarine but Chuck Norris says that it’s butter, then it
is butter. Period. When Chuck Norris looks directly into the sun, the
sun has to squint. Chuck Norris never needs to wipe after going to the
toilet. Nobody gives him shit. Somebody asked Chuck Norris to please stop giving
roundhouse kicks to people all the time.
Historians agree this
was one of the biggest mistakes ever made. The wheelchair symbols at parking lots don't mean that the places are
reserved for the disabled. They are an express warning that the place
belongs to Chuck Norris.
The police are on the run after Chuck Norris robbed a
bank.
Chuck Norris keeps a diary. It's known as the Guinness Book of Records.
Very Funny Chuck Norris Fun Facts
When Chuck Norris was born, he gave his mum a ride home. Chuck Norris has been to Mars already; he’s the
reason there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris went skydiving and his parachute didn’t open. He went back
to the store the following day to claim a refund.
Chuck Norris got lost in a forest. Nobody has ever
seen the forest again.
Mr. Norris doesn't use condoms. There is no
protection against Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can fart even when he has diarrhea.Chuck Norris was born to his aunt because nobody
would dare to date his mother.
Chuck Norris once told his grandma that he wants
three dumplings – AND HE ONLY GOT THREE DUMPLINGS!
When Chuck Norris farts, the world becomes a warmer
place.
Crop circles aren’t alien creations. They are places
where Chuck Norris has been practicing his roundhouse kicks.
What happens when Chuck Norris says “Sit” to his dog?
-
All the people within hearing distance sit down.
There was a rumor circulating once that Chuck Norris
lost a fight with a pirate. That is naturally nonsense. It turned out
that Chuck Norris started this rumor himself to attract more pirates.
Don't we have the funniest Chuck Norris Jokes? No?
Send us yours?When
monsters go to bed, they check underneath for Chuck Norris. Chuck
Norris can rob a bank - through phone banking!
There is no use crying over spilt milk. Unless, of course, that milk
belonged to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ wife always immediately tells him why
she’s angry.
It doesn’t matter what Chuck Norris cooks when he
asks you over. It just tastes divine!!
Chuck Norris can spread crunchy peanut butter on a
slice of soft toast bread.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. His
descendants are known today as giraffes.
Chuck Norris worked for FBI for a while as a terrorist
negotiator. His job was simply to call the terrorist and say, “This is
Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He
simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco as eye drops.
Chuck Norris can magic a hat out of a rabbit.
Chuck Norris naps with his eyes open!
When
Chuck Norris looks up at the sky, the clouds start sweating nervously.
People call it rain.
Some children can pee their names into snow. Chuck Norris pees his in
cement.
The Holy Grail has never been recovered because
nobody is so brave as to ask Chuck Norris for his favorite coffee mug.
So funny:
We are finally certain why the universe expands. It is trying to get as
far away from Chuck Norris as possible.
How many push-ups did Chuck Norris do?
-
He did them all.
Chuck Norris doesn't know fear. But fear knows him.
There was once a street named after Chuck Norris but
they had to change the name quite quickly. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
We Keep Those Chuck Norris Jokes Short
No one can lick their own elbow. Chuck Norris can lick them both.
Chuck Norris won't ever experience a heart attack – the heart
wouldn't even dream of attacking him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. Chuck Norris pushes the Earth away from
him.When
Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy, Chuck Norris caught the bullets with
his own bare hands. JFK's head exploded simply because he was so
overawed.
Chuck Norris never sleeps. He waits.
Chuck Norris is so well endowed, long-distance relationships aren't a
problem.
Chuck Norris to Darth Vader: “I am your father,
Darth.”
Chuck Norris got lost in a forest once. Nobody’s seen that forest since.
There are no steroids in baseball, only players Chuck Norris breathed on.
Chuck served as a Kamikaze pilot - on twelve missions.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a black mamba. After three days of
agony, the black mamba died.
If you seek a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, try checking the extinct
species list.Mr. Norris once ate a whole cake before
anybody could warn him that there was a stripper inside.
Why do children cry when they are born? They know they've entered a world
with Chuck Norris in it.
They once did a Survivor episode with a bunch of people and Chuck Norris
being dropped off on a deserted island. There were no survivors and nobody’s
had the guts yet to go there and pick up the filmed material.
The original plan was to put Chuck Norris' face on Mount Rushmore,
however the granite wasn't though enough for his beard.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He squeezes the needed information out of
them.
The Apple customer support did as Chuck asked and speedily installed Android
on his iPhone.
Not the Best but Good Chuck Norris Jokes
Fear of Friday 13th is called friggatriskaidekaphobia. Fear of
clowns is called coulrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called common
sense.Chuck Norris donates blood every month. Just not his own.
Chuck Noris died... but he's already feeling a lot better!
There are 156 things in a room Chuck Norris could kill you with, the room
itself included.Chuck
Norris can kill time. Literally.
Chuck
Norris Fist is the reason why smurfs are blue.
In Star Wars they always say “May the Force be with you.” They
actually mean Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris killed the Dead Sea.
Once, a false alarm was
raised when a bystander thought Chuck Norris was attempting to slit his
wrists. He was just sharpening his knives.
Chuck Norris doesn't know fear. But fear knows him. People sometimes dream nightmares. Nightmares sometimes dream Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't search. He finds. Whenever Arnold Schwarzenegger says, “I’ll be back”
in any of his movies, he means that he’s just going to quickly ask Chuck
Norris for advice.
Time waits for no-one. Except for Chuck Norris.
11 True Chuck Norris facts:
Chuck Norris was born in 1940 but he looks at least 20 years younger. He is said to have some Cherokee roots. Chuck Norris wanted to become a police officer. His real name is Carlos Ray Norris Jr. He got his nick name "Chuck" from a friend in the military during his
time in Korea.
He was world champion in Karate. Chuck Norris has 5 kids. Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick in every martial arts movie he made. He has a black belt in Tang Soo Do (10th degree) and black belt in Tae
Kwon Do (8th degree). He was also the first Westerner in the history of
Tae Kwon Do to have earned the 8th degree black belt. In younger days his favorite actor was John Wayne. His favorite joke is "Before the Boogie Man goes to sleep, he checks his
closet for Chuck Norris". See also: NEW
CHUCK NORRIS JOKES
