Waiter, there’s a fly twitching in my soup!”
“And what do you
expect for the price? A ballet?!”
At an interview: “So you’d be
starting off at 20 000, but later on it can go up to 40 000.”
“Excellent, I’ll start later on.”
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get
this intense stinging in my eye.
Doctor: I suggest you remove the
spoon before drinking.
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the
Men 2017: I just shaved my legs.
A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in,
talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you
two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales,
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales
That’s about as far as I remember.
The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right
A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
Mama kangaroo is jumping along the bush. Suddenly, a small
penguin peeks out of her pouch, vomits and says, “Damn this student
“My wife suffers from a drinking
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
“No, I am, but she’s the
one who suffers.”
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s quite hard to find enough
women willing to wear the same outfit.
Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am coming
to live with you again.
Mother: No. He should pay for his mistake. I am
coming to live with you.
I was making Russian tea. Unfortunately I cannot fish the teabag out of
the vodka bottle.
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For
instance my name, address and telephone number!
“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just
want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”
Q: What do politicians and diapers have in common?
A: Both should be changed regularly, and both for the same reason.
I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very sternly and said, "I
want her home by midnight, young man!"
I said, "What do you mean?
You already own her home!"
Do you know why women aren’t allowed in space?
To avoid scenarios
like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
"What is the problem?"
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"
Me and my wife, we've decided that we don't want to have
children. So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and
address and we will bring you one.
How do you know the ocean greets you? - It
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men
are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15
minutes. - Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.
What is grey and can't fly?
A fat pigeon
A son asks his mother:
Mom, the kids are laughing at me, they say my teeth are too long!”
“Oh shush, now you’ve scratched the whole floor again!”
Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the
road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding
the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
The husband: “Are you
mad? I barely know the woman!”
I should have been more suspicious when the Chinese guy offered to “wok my
dog for me”…
Did you hear about the new movie constipation?
It hasn’t come out yet.
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t
appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out
his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is
dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Please stay calm. I will
help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."
silence, then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now
My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh
boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.
How do you rob a snowman?
With a hairdryer.
91. My wife divorced me recently because I’m a
compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.
Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because they’re
really, really good at it.
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there.
Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its name was
Why did the surgeon not like the movie?
It was the uncut version.
What do you get when you crossbreed a dog and a white shark?
Trouble with the
Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an
Doctor: “Tell him I can't see him.”
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says
to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according
to my wife, Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"
They say you cannot outrun a bear. True, but don’t panic, usually it is
enough to outrun the chubbiest member of your hiking group."
Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"
"So you can all be
really sad when I die."