32.
Man: “Will you marry me?”
-
Woman: “No.”
-
2
hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.
33.
“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
-
“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
-
“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”
34.
How
do you rob a snowman?
-
With a hairdryer.
35.
What is sticky and brown?
-
A stick!
36.
A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says:
“1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t
it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third
question?”
37.
Two blind dudes are fighting
really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m
betting on the dude with the knife!”
38.
My
boss told me that I don’t know my boundaries. So I fired him.
39.
It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in
his own pockets.
40.
How do you know the ocean
greets you?
-
It waves.
41.
Doctor: You're obese.
Patient:
For that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You’re
quite ugly, too.
42.
What is white and rolls
up a mountain slope?
-
An avalanche who is homesick.
43.
It has four legs and it can fly, what is it?
-
Two
birds.
44.
Why is it impossible to fight an
octopus with your bare hands?
-
Because an octopus is well
armed!
45.
A wife complains to her husband:
“Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps
holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you
do the same?”
The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know the
woman!”
46.
A man noticed his credit card has
been stolen - but he never reported it. The thief was still spending
considerably less than his wife.“
47.
I
received another letter from some lawyer yesterday. It had “Final
Notice” written on the envelope. Good. They won’t be bothering me
anymore.
48.
In a boutique:
Could I try
the dress in the shop window, please?
I’m sorry madam but no.
We have cabins for that.
49.
Save the
forests!!
-
Eat more beavers!!!
50.
Dentist warns his patient, “This might be a bit painful.”
Patient: “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”
The dentist sighs, “For a while now, I’ve been having an affair with
your wife.”
51.
52.
Employee: Can I have a raise?
-
Boss: Nope.
-
Employee: Ok, let me rephrase it. Give me a raise or I will tell my
75 co-workers that I got one.
53.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.
For instance my name, address and telephone number!
54.
Why haven’t you ever seen any elephants hiding up trees? Because
they’re really, really good at hiding.
55.
Many people are shocked when they found out how bad I actually am at
this electrician thing.
56.
What do you get when you cross a bunny and a Rottweiler?
-
Just the Rottweiler.
57.
Need cheering up? Start a fight with
somebody when they have the hiccoughs!
58.
59.
Police: “Open the door!”
-
Man: “I don’t want any balls!”
-
Police: “What? We don’t have balls!”
-
Man: “I know.”
60.
How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?
-
The blind start reading your face.
61.
Policeman: I'm very sorry, sir, but it looks like your wife got hit
by a bus.
-
Man: I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.
62.
A boy and his father go together for a boys’ day out at the
zoo.
“Daddy, I don't like how that gorilla's looking at me from behind
that glass, she's quite scary!” says the boy.
“Shush, Jason!!!! This is still only the ticket office!”
63.
At a beauty salon:
“Which product would you recommend for my face?”
-
“This plastic bag.”
64.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in,
talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from
Ireland?”
65.
We have a strange custom in our office. The food has names there.
Yesterday for example I got a sandwich out of the fridge and its
name was "Michael".
66.
“My wife suffers
from a drinking problem.”
-
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
-
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
67.
Mr. Smith: “Doctor, do you remember this strengthening solution you
prescribed me yesterday?”
Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”
Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!”
68.
Me and my wife, we've decided that we don't want to have children.
So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address
and we will bring you one.
69.
Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I
get this intense stinging in my eye.
-
Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking.
70.
“Shall we go out together?”
“Oh please. Spare me. I have a
boyfriend, plus, you look like a total loser.”
“Um… Fine, it’s
just that – you know, I really have to lock up the store now Miss, so…
please go out?" What are flying carrots especially afraid of?
-
HeliCHOPters.
71.
A guy trying to rob a disco: “Everybody,
hands up in the air!”
-
Everybody: “YEAAHHH!!!! Wooohhoooo!!!”
72.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up, Jane.
Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you!
You need plastic surgery.
73.
Wife calls her mother: "Today I fought so much with my husband. I am
coming to live with you again.
-
Mother: "No. He should pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with
you."
74.
How do you rob a snowman?
-
With a hairdryer.
75.
I wanted to tell you a vacuum joke. But
it sucked really hard.
76.
I’m always
getting run over by the same bike, same day every month, same place,
month after month...
It's a seriously vicious cycle.
77.
On a first date:
Man: “When I see your smile I wish we could see each other more
often.”
-
Woman: “Oh, you’re so charming, George…”
-
Man: “Not really, I’m a dentist.”
78.
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call
the manager! “
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
79.
“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”
80.
It sucks working from home today.
Peter (52), Fireman
81.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer
team?
She always ran away from the ball.
82.
My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I
can think about now is how to win her back.
83.
Yesterday I learned that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man
within 15 minutes.
-
Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.
84.
My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any
underwear. Oh boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.
85.
Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”
86.
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see
me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the
door.“
87.
88.
I called my math teacher at 3 o’clock in the morning. He wasn’t
counting with that!“
89.
What is invisible and smells of worms?
-
A bird’s fart.
90.
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
-
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
91.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband
is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes
and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“
92.
Say “Happiness” with a thick French accent.
93.
Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.
-
Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?
-
Patient: What condition?
94.
hat bizarre
moment when you pick up your car from the garage and you realize that
the breaks are still not working, but they made your horn louder.
95.
What animal has five legs?
-
A
pitbull returning from a playground.
96.
Wife, “Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”
-
Husband, “Oh darling, that is simply wonderful!!!”
-
Wife, “I’m so happy you react that way! I did tell my mom you won’t
mind her moving in!”
97.
What makes fat male penguins such a hit with penguin females?
-
They sure know how to break the ice.
98.
“Waiter, the steak smells very strongly of liquor!”
-
The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”
99.
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, "Dad, you remember how you told
me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How you said it would
impress the girls?"
Father looks up, smiling, "Yeah, did it
work?"
The boy screams, "You could have mentioned that the
potato goes in the front!"
100.
A chubbier woman: Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of
them all?
-
Mirror: “Kindly move aside. I can’t see anything.”
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