When do you stop at green and go full speed at red? -
When you're enjoying a watermelon!
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a teacher? - Lots of
Teacher: Okay class, when I ask you a question, I want you all to answer me
at once. How much is six times 3? - Class: "At once!"
How can you open a banana? - With a monkey!
A plane with 4 people on board is about to crash. The 4 people are the
pilot, the president, the world’s smartest man and a ten-year-old. They only
have 3 parachutes between them.
The president cries: “I’m the
president, people need me to live!” and he jumps out. The world’s
smartest man cries, “I’m the world’s smartest man, I’m needed in the world!”
and he jumps out.
The pilot sighs and says, “You take the last
parachute, kid, I’ll go down with the plane, that’s my job.”
smiles, “No need, there are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest
man took my backpack.”
Little Johnny: Mom, I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear
Johnny’s Mom: OK, let’s hear the good news first.
Little Johnny: I got a B in Math today.
Johnny’s Mom: That’s good!
And now the bad one.
Little Johnny: That was a lie.
I have hands but I can never clap. What am I?
Cute little bunny comes in a pharmacy and asks if they have carrot ice
“No. This is a pharmacy. We don’t sell ice cream.”
Bunny leaves. But it comes back the next day and again asks, “Do you have
carrot ice cream?”
“No, Bunny! This is a pharmacy. We don’t
sell ice cream!“
Bunny leaves – but comes again the next day.
And the next day, and so on, until after about two weeks, the pharmacist
caves in and personally gets carrot ice cream for the next time the bunny
The bunny does come, and again asks, “Do you have carrot ice
“Today, Bunny, today we do!” smiles the pharmacist.
The bunny says: “Well then don't eat it. It tastes horrible!“
Why does Little Johnny always tiptoe past the medicine box? -
He’s afraid what would happen if he woke up the sleeping pills.
Teacher: "You got a zero in the last exam."
Roger: "I don’t think I
deserve a zero!"
Teacher: "Neither do I. But I can’t go any lower
What begins with P, ends with E, and has a gazillion letters in it? -
The Post Office!
Child at dinner table: “Dad, is it OK to eat flies?” - Father:
“Billy, none of that at dinner table, do you hear me? That’s disgusting!”
- Child shrugs and resumes eating. After dinner, father approaches the
kid: “OK, I’m happy you have scientific interests. Now what was it you
wanted to know about eating flies?” - Child: “Well you had one in your
meatloaf, I just wanted to know if you meant to eat it. But I guess it
doesn’t matter anymore.” Q: What do lawyers usually wear when they go to court? - A:
Q: Why does the traffic light go red sometimes? - A: So would you if
you had to change in the middle of a busy intersection!
How do you start a communication with a fish? - You drop him a line!
Q: What spends its days lying about on the ground but never gets dirty?
- A: A shadow.
How do you tell a bad doctor? He doesn’t have a lot of patience.
Why does a woodpecker have a beak?
So as not to smash his head
against the tree.
I could tell you tons of jokes about pensioners. But they don’t work.
The mathematician who invented zero? Thanks a lot for nothing.Next Part