A couple sits on a sofa. He has foot odor and she has mouth odor. After a
moment of awkward silence, she says, “Paul, I have to tell you something.”
“No need,” Paul raises his hand, “it’s OK. I know you ate my socks.”
“No!! Please! Don’t jump!!”
(pulls out mobile phone hastily)
If you’re ever lost in the nature, you’ll do well to have a compass.
It will help you to be lost more north.
Q: What does a doctor do when he has no patients?
Anita meets her friend Tanya after a long time and they chat a bit, when
Anita asks, “And are you still engaged to Rowley?”
“No, not for a
long time,” smiles Tanya.
“Oh thank goodness for that, what a jerk
that guy was! I never got the courage to tell you, but I’m pretty certain he
was cheating on you with Greta and Louise!”
“Um…” Tanya continues,
“yeah… we got married three years ago.“
I tried playing Frisbee with my dog in the park.
We tried for two
hours, but really, I’d need a much flatter dog for that.
A ship has been badly damaged in a storm and things don’t look good.
The crew assembles on the deck and the captain shouts over the howling
wind, “Men, it’s bad. The helm is broken off, we have three huge holes, I
really don’t see this beauty making it to the shore. Is there anyone among
you who knows how to pray?”
Paul steps up and says, “I can, and I
“Excellent, you do that,” shouts the captain. “Now
the rest of you put on your life jackets, we were missing one.”
My friend talked me into lending her money for plastic surgery. I’ve been
trying to get it back for months. Unfortunately I have no idea what she
looks like these days.
Mrs. Blutwurst is to have quite a tricky operation and is very nervous about
it. Just before she gets her anesthesia, she grabs the surgeon by the hand,
“Oh doctor, I’m so afraid!” “Don’t you worry, Mrs. Blutwurst,“ says the
doctor, “I did this operation 30 times already. It has to work this time.
An international football team flies on a charter jet to their next
tournament. It’s quite a long flight and they get bored and decide, since
it’s a charter flight, that they’re going to play some football on the
After a while the captain is getting angry with all the
yelling and bumping and sends his co-pilot to go out there and shut them up.
30 seconds later the co-pilot comes back and the plane is wonderfully
silent. “That’s awesome, how did you manage to calm them down this
quickly?” “It was no problem. I just said, ‘Listen, guys, the weather is
lovely – why don’t you play outside for a while?’”
A wealthy couple is discussing family finances one evening.
discussion goes on and the man gets a little angry: “Well, Marianne, if you
would learn how to cook properly, like a normal wife, we would save a
fortune on the cook!”
The wife shrugs and replies, “And if you would
learn how to do it, like a proper husband, we would save a fortune on the
Two sharks are swimming along in the ocean when they spot a windsurfer.
“Ooh, look, a snack!” cheers up the first one.
The second one
nods appreciatively, “And on a nice little plate with a napkin, even!”
“Hey, Karen, how much do you weigh?”
“I’m not telling you!”
“Aw, come on, tell! Give me at least the last three digits!”
A guy comes in a bar and orders 3 whiskeys. “Why three?” wonders the
“I have 3 brothers in different parts of the world and we
have this tradition that we go drinking once a month and when we’re not
together, we go anyway and have a drink for the other two.”
this regularly for a few months, until one day he comes in and only orders 2
“What’s up?” asks the barkeep, “did you fall out with one
of your brothers?”
“Nah, it’s all fine, but I decided to stop
What aims at the heels but hits the nose?
A fart.Next Part
Jokes for people with constipation