A cannibal who recently moved into
civilization sees his friend walking down the street, carrying an urn.
“Wow, you even have instant meals here?!”
The Pravda newspaper ran a quiz in the golden days of the Soviet Union. It
asked: “Do you love the great leader Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin?”
Yes: 2 points.
No: 2 years.
A pessimist sees he’s gone bald.
An optimist sees he’s greatly improved
his aerodynamic qualities.
Q: It is not those you lack it, but those who have too much of it, that
will try to steal it from you. What is it?
A: Time.
A bored customs officer at a border asks a driver, “Cigarettes, drugs,
alcohol?”
The driver is confused, “Er… coffee, please?”
Are
you familiar with the Russian electric shaving machine?
You hold a piece of sandpaper to your face with one hand and then you stick
two fingers of your other hand in the socket.
Do you know what Hercules’ wife is called?
Why, Fraucules, of course.
“So what’s the best thing you can make for dinner?”
“A
reservation.”
Two ex-classmates are meeting over coffee two years after graduating from
the university. One of them takes a sip and sighs, “Man, whenever it dawns
on me that I’m actually a certified engineer, I get too scared to ever go to
a doctor…”
Q:
What brings a lion to the hospital?
-
A: A CAT scan.
Has anybody noticed how we’ve replaced the doffing of the hat with taking
out the earbuds when we meet someone?
I love karma. I can do terrible things to all sorts of people whenever,
wherever, and know they deserved it.
I’m kinda washed out after the long winter, feeling weak – I went to the
pharmacy and asked what supplement they’d recommend. They recommended
beta-carotene. Huh. Stuff that, I’ll wait for the full version.
Captain America is my role model.
But I don’t think I could ever make
it beyond Lieutenant East Texas.
And so the Lord created a woman. And he looked upon her and said, “Ah well…
she can always wear make up.”
"Hello? Am I speaking to the Lost and Found?"
"No, this is the
oncology department. So more of a Found and Lost."
Scientists have finally uncovered how much sleep an average person needs.
Just five more minutes.
Global warming?
Just the British burning pointless documents from the
EU.
Son: Mom, my new girlfriend is coming over today.
-
Mother: Then kindly put new sheets on your bed.
-
Son: Why?
-
Mother: I don’t want her getting pregnant just by sitting down on it.
George is out working in the yard. His wife leans out the window and
calls, “George, come inside.”
“Why, am I hungry?” George turns
around.
“No, you’re getting a bit cold.”
“Darling, I need to go to Paris.”
“What?! Why?!”
“I
absolutely need a new hat, handbag, coat and a pair of shoes.”
“Come
on, you can get all those things here just as well!”
“Oh excellent,
thank you my love, I just wanted to hear you say it!”
Dieting, Day 1.
Got rid of all fatty food I had in the house.
Was delicious.
He: “When I see a stupid face I have to laugh.”
-
She: “Doesn’t that make shaving yourself kind of difficult?”
It was dark last night when I heard the creak of a door and very silent
footsteps. I look up to see my closet door is open – and see my very
expensive coat going slowly out of fashion.“
A woman is like an open book.
On advanced string theory. In Farsi.
Printed in Braille. But yeah, it’s open.
My husband and I are having a fierce custody battle over our kids.
He
doesn’t want them either.
You slept with my wife you pig. You will pay for this.”
-
“Excuse me, no way am I going to pay twice.”
(Somewhere in Texas) “This is no longer a weather, that’s a demo version of
a crematorium!”
I drank so much vodka yesterday, I woke up this morning with a thick Russian
accent.
Have you seen those
weird clowns that hide away from ugly people?
-
No, sorry, of course you
haven’t.
Q: Why do prisons only use microfiber pillows and bedcovers?
A:
Because they fear the Icarization of prisoners.
The better the breaks, the deeper the dents on the back bumper.
London Museum of Natural History just opened an exhibit on the Rolling
Stones.
What do Amsterdam and Tour de France have in common?
Loads of people
on drugs riding bikes.
Two working girls are chatting, “So what will you want from Santa?”
“Two
hundred. Same as anyone else.”
What doesn’t kill you – makes me angry.
If your country has serious problems, start a revolution!
Pretty soon
you’ll realize you didn’t really have any problems at all.
A Michigan scientist claimed that all these years, he’d been trying and
trying to develop a cancer cure. Somehow, it just always ended up as meth.
April 1st. The only day in the year when media articles are viewed with some
suspicion.
Microsoft is releasing a new font designed for medical doctors. They’re
calling it Illegible Sans.
Three little pigs are sitting huddled in their little house, shivering with
fear.
After much huffing and puffing, the door finally gives in and
smashes and in walks the wolf.
“Shalom,” he greets the three little
pigs.
“Oooof…,” sigh the three little pigs in relief.
Claustrophobia is a fear of closed spaces. Like when I go to the bar and I’m
afraid they’ll be closed.
As of 2017, Mexico introduced a new subject into their PE curriculum – pole
vault.
Every evening I assure myself that 5 hours of sleep is more than enough for
a healthy, non-wuss adult.
Every morning, I could punch myself
in the face for that.
Grandpa, what is a pension?”
“A sad reminder of a wage.”
“Captain, we ran out of ice cubes!”
-
Captain: “I have an idea.
Machine room: 10 degrees starboard!”
(True story of the Titanic)
What’s the
difference between a mirage and a Tinder date?
-
One is an optical
illusion, the other is an optical disillusion.
Harlan the biker comes to the hairdresser.
The hairdresser stares at
his hair in disbelief for a while and then asks, “So, did you come to cut
your hair or just for an oil change?”
“Take off the bra!”
-
“Yes darling!”
-
“Pull down the skirt!”
-
“Yes darling!”
-
“And the thong!”
-
“Yes darling!”
-
“And never, ever, take my clothes again Henry!!”
A cowboy walks into a saloon. He draws his revolvers and within 30 seconds,
shoots everyone except a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He saunters
closer and asks, “So what’s a beautiful gal like yourself doing here all
alone?”
Jury. A group of people selected to decide which side has the best lawyer.
What is the difference between a man and a single sperm? None. Both have a 1
: 1,2 billion chance that a woman will turn them into a man.
Women’s shampoo: Exclusively for curly, blonde, fragile hair.
-
Men’s
shampoo: 4 in 1 hair, body, dishes and car wash.
A new inmate comes into prison and his cellmate asks him what’s his sentence
and why.
“Fifteen years, because of bloody chickens.”
“Chickens? How can you get fifteen years because of chickens?!”
“Those scratching darned birds dug up my ex.”
Avoid eye contact?
-
Clearly, my shampoo has issues with anger
management.
Oh no, my hand is bleeding!
–
Here take my watch!
–
What? Why?!
–
Well – time heals all wounds.
A cow goes to meet her friends at a café but when she arrives, she sees them
all hopping up and down.
-
“What on earth are you doing?” she asks.
-
“Just making some whipped cream for the cake!”
Do you like
nature?
-
Yes of course I do, why are you asking?
-
Well after
what it did to you…
“D’you want a beer, Suze?”
“I’m pregnant!”
“Oh, sorry! D’you want two beers?”
– Is that vodka in your orange juice?
– Yes.
– But it’s 7:30 in the morning!
– That’s why the
orange juice.
Husband: “Do you want some fries, honey?”
-
Wife: “No, they just make
me fat.”
-
*** WARNING! From now on, every sentence could be deadly.
***
My husband has been in a strange mood lately. When I questioned him, he said
perhaps we should take a break, that we're missing a spark. So I tasered
him. I'll ask him again once he's come to.
I asked my new
girlfriend how many men she’d had before me.
-
She said not to worry, she
could count them all on one hand.
-
Unfortunately, this was when I noticed
she’s holding her cell phone with a calculator app open.
A Russian military team is flying towards Chechnya at the height of the
conflict.
The team leader is instructing his men, "Guys, for every
Chechnian head you'll get a bottle of vodka!"
The plane lands,
soldiers burst out of the doors without waiting for anything else and come
back in a few minutes, each dragging a few heads.
The leader is
awaiting them all pale and sweaty: "Guys, this was just a layover in Kyev!"
Goodness, is it the smoke alarm beeping like that?
-
No, my kitchen’s
trying to park backwards.
Chuck Norris can lock a door so quickly, he even manages to toss the keys in
before.
“So how was summer in Alaska?”
“Can’t tell you, really, I was drunk
on both days.”
How many Irish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Five.
One holds the lightbulb and the three are drinking heavily until the room
starts going round and round.
How many Scottish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Just one,
but he’s going to wait two months first to make sure it really isn’t
working.
How many communists do you need to change a lightbulb?
Two hundred.
Ten to create a five-year plan to accomplish the task.
Ten to
set up a state-owned factory to produce lightbulbs.
Twenty to work in
the factory.
Fifty to establish a union and run union paper.
Ninety-nine to create a campaign proving the original lightbulb was
destroyed by capitalists.
And one to nip quietly to the nearest
imperialist country and buy a lightbulb on the sly.
Some Change Lightbulb Jokes
How many real men do
you need to change a lightbulb?
None. Real men ain’t afraid of the dark.
How many bears do you need to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but
you’ll need a lot of lightbulbs before he learns how to do it.
Q: How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: And
how many can you afford?
How many jugglers do you need to change a lightbulb?
Just one,
but you’re going to have to have at least four lightbulbs.
Chemist jokes:
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have
acetylsalicylic acid, please?”
“You mean aspirin?” wonders the
pharmacist.
“Ah yeah, aspirin, I can never remember that name!”
What’s the difference between an airplane and a car when they run out of
fuel?
A car starts slowing down, an airplane starts speeding
up.
At a press conference:
“Mr. Bush, is it true that you have proof that
Iraq owns nuclear weapons?”
“Yes, we have the receipts.”
What is socialism? The thorny path from capitalism to capitalism.
I wonder, is there a Christian rock band called AC/BC?
1968 university entrance exam in the Soviet Union:
Do you love the
communist party?
YES – 10 points.
NO – 10 years.
Fastest things on Earth:
1) Maglev train
2) Internet in
Silicon Valley
3) Those 5 minutes between hitting
snooze and the alarm starting again.
“What a tragedy. They buried Jimbo yesterday.”
“Oh no, why?!”
“Because he was dead.”
Chuck Norris knows how to connect USA into USB.
Best Geek Jokes
Part 1 |
Part 2 |
Part 3 |
Part 4 |
Part 5 |
Part 6
|
Part 7
