A cannibal who recently moved into
civilization sees his friend walking down the street, carrying an urn.
“Wow, you even have instant meals here?!”
The Pravda newspaper ran a quiz in the golden days of the Soviet Union. It
asked: “Do you love the great leader Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin?”
Yes: 2 points.
No: 2 years.
A pessimist sees he’s gone bald.
An optimist sees he’s greatly improved
his aerodynamic qualities.
“So what’s the best thing you can make for dinner?”
“A
reservation.”
“Grandpa, what is a pension?”
“A sad reminder of a wage.”
Harlan the biker comes to the hairdresser.
The hairdresser stares at
his hair in disbelief for a while and then asks, “So, did you come to cut
your hair or just for an oil change?”
A cowboy walks into a saloon. He draws his revolvers and within 30 seconds,
shoots everyone except a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. He saunters
closer and asks, “So what’s a beautiful gal like yourself doing here all
alone?”
Jury. A group of people selected to decide which side has the best lawyer.
What is the difference between a man and a single sperm? None. Both have a 1
: 1,2 billion chance that a woman will turn them into a man.
A new inmate comes into prison and his cellmate asks him what’s his sentence
and why.
“Fifteen years, because of bloody chickens.”
“Chickens? How can you get fifteen years because of chickens?!”
“Those scratching darned birds dug up my ex.”
A Russian military team is flying towards Chechnya at the height of the
conflict.
The team leader is instructing his men, "Guys, for every
Chechnian head you'll get a bottle of vodka!"
The plane lands,
soldiers burst out of the doors without waiting for anything else and come
back in a few minutes, each dragging a few heads.
The leader is
awaiting them all pale and sweaty: "Guys, this was just a layover in Kyev!"
Chuck Norris can lock a door so quickly, he even manages to toss the keys in
before.
“So how was summer in Alaska?”
“Can’t tell you, really, I was drunk
on both days.”
How many Irish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Five.
One holds the lightbulb and the three are drinking heavily until the room
starts going round and round.
How many Scottish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Just one,
but he’s going to wait two months first to make sure it really isn’t
working.
How many communists do you need to change a lightbulb?
Two hundred.
Ten to create a five-year plan to accomplish the task.
Ten to
set up a state-owned factory to produce lightbulbs.
Twenty to work in
the factory.
Fifty to establish a union and run union paper.
Ninety-nine to create a campaign proving the original lightbulb was
destroyed by capitalists.
And one to nip quietly to the nearest
imperialist country and buy a lightbulb on the sly.
Some Change Lightbulb Jokes
How many real men do
you need to change a lightbulb?
None. Real men ain’t afraid of the dark.
How many bears do you need to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but
you’ll need a lot of lightbulbs before he learns how to do it.
Q: How many lawyers do you need to change a lightbulb?
A: And
how many can you afford?
How many jugglers do you need to change a lightbulb?
Just one,
but you’re going to have to have at least four lightbulbs.
Chemist jokes:
A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, “Do you have
acetylsalicylic acid, please?”
“You mean aspirin?” wonders the
pharmacist.
“Ah yeah, aspirin, I can never remember that name!”
What’s the difference between an airplane and a car when they run out of
fuel?
A car starts slowing down, an airplane starts speeding
up.
At a press conference:
“Mr. Bush, is it true that you have proof that
Iraq owns nuclear weapons?”
“Yes, we have the receipts.”
What is socialism? The thorny path from capitalism to capitalism.
I wonder, is there a Christian rock band called AC/BC?
1968 university entrance exam in the Soviet Union:
Do you love the
communist party?
YES – 10 points.
NO – 10 years.
Fastest things on Earth:
1) Maglev train
2) Internet in
Silicon Valley
3) Those 5 minutes between hitting
snooze and the alarm starting again.
“What a tragedy. They buried Jimbo yesterday.”
“Oh no, why?!”
“Because he was dead.”
Chuck Norris knows how to connect USA into USB.
Best Geek Jokes
Part 1 |
Part 2 |
Part 3 |
Part 4 |
Part 5 |
Part 6
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Part 7
