A programmer comes in a pharmacy and says,
“I feel kind of weak after the long winter, I think I need something to
boost my organism. What do you recommend?”
The pharmacists suggests beta
carotene.
The programmer shakes his head, “Nah. I think I’ll wait
till the full version comes out.”
What is socialism? A system which bravely and innovatively conquers barriers
that wouldn’t be present in any other system.
“Well, Johnny, what did you get your Grandma for her birthday?”
“A
baseball.”
“Johnny, what were you thinking?! Grandma doesn’t play
baseball!”
“So? She got me some books for my last birthday.”
The seven wonders of communist/socialist countries:
1. Everybody has
a job.
2. Even though everybody has a job – nobody’s working.
3. Even though nobody’s working – the quotas are being met at 110%.
4. Even though the quotas are being met at 110% – you can’t find anything
worth a crap in the shops.
5. Even though you can’t find anything
worth a crap in the shops – everybody has everything.
6. Even though
everybody has everything – people are stealing everywhere.
7. Even
though people are stealing everywhere – nothing is ever being missed.
Teacher: “Whoever can tell me some actual fact about the history of the
1700s will get an A.”
-
Little Johnny: “Everybody from that time is
now dead.”
Why is it impossible to trust atoms?
-
They make up everything!
Wife shouts: "Ow!!!!"
-
Husband: "Did
you burn yourself?"
-
No! Where I come from, we greet the food fresh
from the oven with a traditional dance and loud singing!
Facebook status:
To all those who got a
book for Christmas from me: The library deadline to bring them back is
tomorrow.
Judge: “Your choice now, Mr. Daly. 30 days in prison or a 2,000 dollar
payment.”
-
Offender: “That’s just awesome. I’ll take the money,
please.”
Johnny: Miss, may I go to the bathroom, please? Right now?
-
Teacher:
OK, Johnny, but tell me the alphabet first, then you can go.
-
Johnny:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z
-
Teacher: Hey, what
happened to the P?
-
Johnny: It’s already halfway down my trousers.
I asked the cashier yesterday if she’s
collecting points. She said that those are her freckles.
The teacher sends a boy home with a note, “Your son was very naughty at
school today!”
The boy returns to school the next day with a note
from his father, “Your pupil refused to eat his meat for dinner today!”
Two bears are observing an approaching group of knights in shiny armors.
“Ah well,” sighs one of them, “canned lunch it is.”
Teacher asks Little Johnny, “Johnny, how come you didn’t do your homework
yesterday?!”
“I’m sorry Miss Zelena but there was this little girl
who was dying…”
“Oh my goodness, Johnny! What on Earth happened to
her?!”
“I don’t know, I had to go to bed and couldn’t finish the
movie.”Where do bulls exchange their messages?
-
On a bull-etin board.
Q: What can
you serve but should never eat?
-
A: A tennis ball.
What does it mean when there’s a black flag hanging out on a company
building?
They’re advertising an unexpected vacancy.
A Soviet space ship crash lands upon entering Earth’s atmosphere. Only the
captain and the ship’s carpenter survived.
Why did the triangle refuse to be friends with the circle?
-
It found
the circle pointless.
Chuck Norris can make coal out of diamond.
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving together when all of a sudden they
run over a cat. Heisenberg is shocked and starts to get out of the car to
see what happened to the kitty.
“Are you mad?!” Schrödinger grabs his
sleeve, “are you trying to kill the poor thing?!”
Breaking news: Yesterday morning, terrorists occupied the strategically
placed Jameson whiskey distillery in Dublin. They still haven’t been able to
formulate their demands.
“I have a weakness for you,” she said to the little baby, stroking its
smooth cheek.
“And I have social anxiety.” “And I acne,” joined in
the other two fairy godmothers gathered around the crib.
A great advantage of socialist state governments is that they are totally
independent.
Mostly on the voters and common sense but hey, you
gotta recognize the positive.
Outside of a dog, man’s best friend is a book.
Inside of a dog, it’s
far too dark to read.
American psychologists have isolated two fundamental reasons why men
frequent bars.
1) They don’t have a woman.
2) They have a
woman.
What sign has probably never been made in Braille?
“Danger, do not
touch.”
Three guys travel on business and go in a hotel to rent a triple room. The
room costs 30 dollars. The guys are OK with it, each pays 10 dollars, they
take their keys and go up. But just as they leave, the manager realizes he
made a mistake and that their new price is 25 dollars per triple room. So he
sends up the bellboy with the 5 dollars difference. But the bellboy doesn’t
know how to split 5 dollars between 3 people, so he just gives each of the
three guys a dollar and pockets the remaining 2 dollars.
That means
that each guy paid 9 dollars. 9 times three is 27 dollars, plus 2 that the
bellboy pocketed is 29 dollars. So where the heck is the remaining
dollar??!!
(By the way, if you figure this one out, we’d appreciate
it if you shared with us – we’re still trying to work it out…)
“How on Earth did you get them to pay?!”
“Easy. I told them that if
they don’t, I’m going to tell all their other debtors that they did pay us.”
How can you tell that the French airline workers are on strike?
You can’t.
Chuck Norris was the first choice for the series 24 Hours, but was fired
after he took just 10 minutes and 27 seconds to kill all the terrorists and
save the world.
Keep it up, with any luck, you'll soon have a behavioral disorder named
after you.
What’s the difference between a running and a flying mouse?
The
flying one has a hawk attached to its back.
Why does a French airport strike always have to last a few days?
So that people can distinguish between a strike and a regular delay.
“Mr. Somniac, do you think the Americans could influence Russian elections?”
“Hardly. Not even Russian voters are capable of that.”
In the World War II, the Soviets used the raised fist, the Germans the
raised hand and the Americans the two fingers of V for victory as a
greeting. Sounds suspiciously like a secret game of rock, paper, scissors to
me.
Real-life paradox: It’s wrong for a sportsman to smoke and drink. But it’s
good for a smoker and drinker to do sports…???
Even egotists are essentially philanthropists.
They just have a
significantly narrower specialization.
(At career day with parents)
“Well, Miss Green, he’s no good for a
trade, that’s for sure… Could he at least do some college?”
For sale: Ultra-modern Uzbek propane-powered calculator.
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Best Geek Jokes
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