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Geek Jokes | Part 4

The best first: Somebody stole all my lamps. I’m delighted.
    
 
And why do you think you’d be academically qualified for this job, Mr Richardson?”
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“I possess a degree of intelligence.”

5 and 2 had an argument.
2 1
My children kept making fun of my sense of direction. It got a bit too much after half an hour so I just got up and right.
Mathematics is the highest form of discrimination. No number is equal to another!
What is the one language that’s never spoken and yet is not a dead language?
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Sign language.
When a mailman undergoes a gender-change operation, is it acceptable to call her a post-man?!
What do you mean, nothing rhymes with orange?
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It most certainly doesn’t!
You can be as well-mannered and kind as you want, but German children will always be kinder.
A phone rings in the HR department: “Hello, this is AE Realty, I’m checking a reference on John Doodleby. How long has he been working in your company?”

“Doodleby, yes. All in all, about three months.”

“Well that’s interesting! He says in his CV he worked for you for 2 years!”

“Ah, that’s how long he’s been employed here. I thought you wanted to know how long he’s been working?”
Mrs Fire was Robin Williams’ best movie, without a Doubt!
I was taught by a nun with a really nasty habit. She used to wipe her nose on it.
There’s no pleasing my wife. She said, could I clear the table. Though I haven’t done much sports lately, I managed with a good reserve of 2 inches and she wasn’t even happy.
Lenin has never been seen drinking black tea. He firmly stuck to fruit blends. He believed all proper tea is immoral.
My visit to the seafood disco yesterday was a… success? I pulled a muscle.
I bought a new thesaurus, but it was a waste of money. It is bad. In other words, it’s bad.
Petunia went to the bathroom. Five minutes later she came out as Pitaenu.
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Why? She had a significant vowel movement.
My dad firmly believed laughter was the best medicine. His faith didn’t shake even after two of us died of untreated pneumonia.
Coal Geek Joke
IT paradox?
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The warmer a computer becomes, the more it freezes.
Q: What is the difference between a German and a Sicilian insurance company?

A: In the German insurance company, they tell you with considerable precision, how many people are going to die next year. In the Sicilian one, they can even give you their names.
Schrödinger went to see his cardiologist. The doctor said he has good news, and bad news.
Two demons of hell who work in different departments meet up for a beer and catch up.
“Yeah, it’s really sad in my section right now, everyone’s really upset.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Well, we got a hardcore gamer the other day who died playing. He wiped out half the crew with a chainsaw before we managed to persuade him this isn’t a new level of Doom!”
Q: Benedict Cumberbatch has a long one. Brad Pitt has a short one. Rihanna hasn’t got one at all. What is it?

A: A surname.
“If you could invite any historically important person to dinner, who would be your choice?”
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“I’d invite Gandhi.”
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“Why’s that?”
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“There’d be more food left for me.”
We’ll we’ll we’ll, and if it isn’t the Autocorrect.
What do you call a blind dino?
An I-don’t-think-it-saurus.

Yo girl, I put sexy in dyslexia!
 
Um… hang on a moment though…
How many potatoes do you need to kill an Irish guy?
 
None at all.
Fun fact – did you know that when you take all the nerves from a human body and align them so they’re forming a straight line, you’ll end up in jail for a really, really long time?
Why was there a special meeting over at the United Nations when your mom dropped the plate at Thanksgiving?
 
Because it meant that Turkey crashed, there was an uncontrolled territorial expansion of Greece and China totally shattered to pieces.
“Jake, I’m searching for some GDPR specialist, do you know a good one?”
“Yeah, I do, he handled our company website brilliantly, he’s awesome!”
“Fantastic! Can you give me his contact details, then?”
“… Well, no…”
A floppy disc is kind of like Jesus, really. It died and became the icon of saving.
I image-googled Rorschach test to see what all the fuss was about. But now I’m shocked. How can it all be pictures of my girlfriend cheating on me with my dad?
A new guy comes in a dorm late in the evening with his luggage and a buddy shows him around.

They come to a large gong in the hallway and the new guy asks what it’s doing there. “That’s a talking clock,” explains the buddy. “How so?”

“Let me demonstrate,” says the buddy and bangs the gong loudly.

 In a second, a voice comes from one of the rooms, yelling, “Are you out of your head you rectum-faced orang-utan?! It’s nearly midnight!”
A boy is getting desperate with a girl he has a crush on: “What can I give you so you would allow me to kiss you?!”
 
“A full narcosis.”
Old Jack sits by the fire, telling everyone about his day: “I’m jus’ ridin’ along the prairie when all of a sudden – what don’t I see? A kangaroo!

I cleaned up my eyes, look again – and yes, I really don’t see it!”
Why does Voldemort have such a flat nose?
 
He took the wrong platform to Hogwarts in his first year.
Schrödinger cat walks in a bar … and doesn’t.

Why are snails so slow?

Because if they weren’t, their eyes would be streaming behind them. 
Geeky Chuck Norris Jokes:

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can make coal out of a diamond.

Chuck Norris found the last digit of Pi.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
What is the difference between a diameter and radius?
 
The radius.
I need a patch for a really weird bug I’m experiencing – the quest “Find a girlfriend” got set for me on the hardest possible level of difficulty.
Why was Adam the happiest guy ever?

Because Eve didn’t have a mother.
Two demons of hell who work in different departments meet up for a beer and catch up.

“Yeah, it’s really sad in my section right now, everyone’s really upset.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Well, we got a hardcore gamer the other day who died playing. He wiped out half the crew with a chainsaw before we managed to persuade him this isn’t a new level of Doom!”
Q: How did the copper wire come about?

A: Two Scotsmen couldn’t agree whose penny it was.
Q: Why is the hour-hand on a clock usually somewhat thicker?

A: Less movement.
Three guys sit in a bar, boasting about their relatives.

The first one says, “My brother is a bishop, everybody calls him ‘Your Excellency’.”

The second one says, “That’s nothing. My cousin is the head of a bank, everybody calls him ‘Mr. President’.”

The third one smirks, “That’s nothing. Whenever my mother-in-law goes out, everybody says, ‘My God!’”
On paper, communism sounds like a pretty good idea. Unless what you’re reading isn’t an actual history book.
I hit some low times, but I won’t let that stop me from throwing parties. And we’re not having any box-wine, thank you. It will be a lovely cardbordeaux.
Q: What is a surefire way to make a small fortune in a casino?
 
A: You invest a large fortune.
Chuck Norris proved we are alone in the universe. Although that wasn’t the case before his space mission.
Q: How did the copper wire come about?
A: Two Scotsmen couldn’t agree whose penny it was.
Q: What is the difference between a woman and Batman?
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A: Batman knows every night what he’s going to wear.
Q: What is a surefire way to make a small fortune in a casino?
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A: You invest a large fortune.

What’s the proof that Cyclops was a pretty bad teacher?
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Well you can’t deny he only had one pupil, right?


Next Part
Best Geek Jokes

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7




 
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