I sniffed some Coke when I was a teenager, just to see what
it’s like, but the bubbles were just too unpleasant in my nose.
The stationary shop moved. It really surprised me.
A phone rings in the HR department: “Hello, this is AE Realty, I’m checking
a reference on John Doodleby. How long has he been working in your company?”
“Doodleby, yes. All in all, about three months.” “Well that’s
interesting! He says in his CV he worked for you for 2 years!” “Ah,
that’s how long he’s been employed here. I thought you wanted to know how
long he’s been working?”
“My career is in ruins.” – Herbert Dillgrin, archaeologist
My very good friend gave me his epi-pen as he lay dying on the street. I
will treasure it till the end of my days, he seemed very insistent when
giving it to me…
Hillary Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, she invites the children
to ask her some questions.
Kevin raises his hand and says, “I have
three questions, Mrs. Clinton.
1. Did you intimidate the victims of
your husband’s lust?
2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?
3. How do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the
Clinton Foundation?
Suddenly the bell rings for break and the
children run about their business. After the break they come back and the Q
and A period resumes. Joel raises his hand and says, “I have five questions,
Mrs. Clinton.
1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s
lust?
2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?
3. How
do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the Clinton
Foundation?
4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes earlier?
5.
Where is Kevin?
Personal financial situation: Just finished rinsing a few paper cups.
Facebook is much like a fridge. You visit every 10 minutes, even
though you know there’s nothing worth in there.
Why does Voldemort have such a flat nose? He took the wrong platform to
Hogwarts in his first year.
A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun walk into a bar.
I have to bring this book about electrons back to the library. If I don’t,
there might be a charge.
Which US state has rounded ends and is high in the middle? - OhiO.
Ah, when it comes to cliffhanger endings, I always say,
Q: How many software specialists are needed to screw in a lightbulb? -
A: Not a single one. It’s a hardware issue.
Chuck Norris can talk about the Fight Club.
You can’t beat Scottish summer.
Best Wednesday afternoon you’ll ever
experience.
What did one orphan say to another?
“Oh just go get the
Batmobile, will you Robin.”
What did one DNA ask another DNA? - Do you think these genes make my
bum look fat?
What does a dyslexic insomniac confused about religion do?
He lies
wide awake at night staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out if there’s
a dog.
I’m a superb multitasker. I’ve no problem wasting time, money and life’s
opportunities all at the same time!
An optician is training a new shop assistant and gives him the rules. “It’s
all about proper behavior, proper way of speaking, Joe.
Putting in the right pauses in your speech is crucial, too. For
instance, the customer enquires about a pair of glasses. You say ‘It’s fifty
dollars’ and you make a pause.
If the customer looks OK, you
continue, ‘for the rims. The lenses are ten dollars” and if the customer
still looks fine, you continue, ‘each.’”
Legalize mrahi…. Legalize marrrhi…. Legalize pot!
America: If your country has oil, it badly needs peace and freedom.
I find it so pretentious when students of engineering call themselves
engineers…
It’s not like medical students walk around calling
themselves doctors or liberal arts students referring to themselves as
unemployed, is it?
Can you be stood up by a guy in a wheel chair?
Unsuspecting, I opened the door for a feminist. The court hearing is
scheduled for next Monday.
Who the hell is Rorschach and why did he paint so many pictures of my
mother?!
Dyslexia killed a vampire hunter one sad night when he attacked a vampire
with a steak.
How can you get a really good dinner for just one dollar?
Buy a
deck of cards.
Q: Benedict Cumberbatch has a long one. Brad Pitt has a short one. Rihanna
hasn’t got one at all. What is it?
A: A surname.
So when did you start working for this company?
The moment they told
me I have to pick up my performance or I’m history.
What does your ex and slinky have in common? It’s nice to watch either fall
down the stairs.
Office meeting. A gathering that wastes hours, yet keeps minutes.
“But other than that, Mrs Lincoln, did you like the play?”
So, I don’t know what ‘apocalypse’ mean – what’s the big deal? It’s not the
end of the world.
They once did a Survivor episode with a bunch of people and Chuck
Norris being dropped off on a deserted island. There were no survivors and
nobody’s had the guts yet to go there and pick up the filmed material.
I’m a pro at sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.
Apple just posted on their Facebook page that their store got robbed.
They’re looking for iWitnesses.
Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people
would otherwise actually understand. Next Part
Best Geek Jokes
