My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss
hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany
doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are
named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
“Your secrets are safe with me because, chances are, I wasn’t even
“You used so much oil the US want to invade the plate!”
Ramsay (TV Chef)
“You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.”
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is
something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was
particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
“I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.”
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
“Do crabs think we walk sideways?”
Don't be so humble - you are not that great.
If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me
about the butcher and my wife.
“If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by
intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.”
I don’t hate you… I just don’t like
that you exist.
| Part 7
| Part 9