What sits up a tree and goes "Aaaaaah"? An owl with a speech impediment.
Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily live to be 80.
Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.
Doctor: See, I told you to
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”
“Oh it helps a lot,” says
the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is
acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the
mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird.
The handle is the best part.“
Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, but not as
much as the other people in the lift.
Why do you see so few black people on ocean cruises?
they're not going to fall for that one again.
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I’d still feel a lot more
comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.
She’s not ill or
anything, but she could definitely get better.
One state official to the other: "I don't know what people have against
us - We haven't done anything."
Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?
has diabetes now.
What are you looking at when you see two homeless dudes hitting each other
with bits of cardboard?
A pillow fight.
Man to a butcher: "I'd like bull's testicles."
Butcher: "So would
Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.
Go to Part One
Funniest jokes of all times