When the three kings came to visit newborn Jesus, one of them slipped on
the straw and twisted his ankle. “Jesus Christ!” he yelled in pain.
Mary looked questioningly at Joseph and said, “That actually sounds
a lot better than Chester, doesn’t it?”
What is the equivalent of a superdeath laser gun for snowmen?
When I was buying our Christmas tree, the cheery seller asked if I’d be
putting it up myself.
Disgusting man, I’ll be putting it in our living
room of course!
“Darling, what do you think we should give Granny for Christmas?”
“The most precious thing we have!”
“Oh, what’s that?”
“Our children for babysitting!”
Little Johnny by the Christmas tree: “And are all these gifts from Santa?”
“Yes Johnny,” beams his mother.
“Oh, so you didn’t get me a
darn thing again this year, did you.”
A dog is gazing up at the Christmas tree and sighs with satisfaction, “Oh,
my master is the best, as always. What dog can say they’ve had electrical
lights installed in their indoor toilet?”
Dear Santa, this year, I really don’t need you to bring me anything.
Actually, could you possibly take away my mother in law?
“Boss, can I take tomorrow off? My wife really needs help with Christmas
cleaning,” asks Joe.
“Are you out of your head, man? I can’t give
you a day off for this!” rumbles the boss.
“Oh thanks a lot, boss,”
Joe smiles, relieved, “I knew I could rely on you!”
Christmas is on my mind the whole 12 months before it comes.
also on my Visa bill the whole 12 months afterwards.
Why are there no chimney sweeps in Scotland?
Why pay for something
that Santa does regularly for free?
Billy asks his friend Joe, “Why would you want two sets of trains for
“Because I still want to get to play when my dad is
Cats have it so much better… They have an indoor litterbox all year round.
Dogs only get less than a month of living-room Christmas tree.
Why do storks fly south for the winter?
Because it would take forever if they walked.