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Bad Puns | Part 6

Best first: I hate my printer. Whenever I need to print, all I get is upbeat music coming out of it and a message that the paper is jamming.

 I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!
Imagine if you would hit the clock in the morning and the clock would hit you right back.
I think it would be truly alarming.
A woman was just taking a bath when she heard the doorbell. She thought she’d just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, “Hello? Anybody home? I’m the blind guy!”

“Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress.” thought the lady, hauled herself out of the bath and went to open the door.

“Wow,” said the guy waiting there, “you should be on a fitness studio advertisement!  Now, where should I put those blinds?”
What do you call a man in a pond who has no legs and no arms?
I spent days making a wooden car with wooden wheels. It just wooden work.
Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator door?
Close the door, will you? I’m dressing!
Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards.
Why is a skeleton a bad liar?
You can see right through it.
Have you heard about the Italian cook with an incurable disease? He pastaway.
What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?
How to spot a blind man on a nudist beach?
Well it's not hard, really...
Where should a dog go when it’s lost its tail?
The retail store of course.
What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper?
One skeleton to the other: Man, I’m so hard in love with Bella, I can barely think straight. I’d love to ask her out but I just don’t have the guts.
A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

What is a typical diet of a sea monster?

 Fish and ships.
What did the ranch sauce say when you opened the fridge?
Hey, close the door! Can’t you see I’m dressing?
Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?
37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday.
 What would you call an obese psychic?
A four-chin teller.
If goods get damaged in transport, does it become ‘bads’?
They found a little hole in the wall of the women's soccer team changing rooms.
Policemen are looking into it now.
I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape. Way past the time I got a new keyboard.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?

A Mississippi.
What should a proper lawyer wear to a court?
A good law suit.

I forgot to turn off the oven yesterday, but it's OK - I just got some Darth Vader cookies. A bit on the dark side.
Next Part
of Best Puns

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | New Puns

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