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Good Puns | Part 3

The best first: I’m getting really claustrophobic in elevators. I’ve had to start taking steps to avoid it.

What lies on the ocean bed and is twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck.

I’ve seen this show about beavers last night – best dam documentary I’ve ever seen!”
Jokes about PMS are NOT funny. Period.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some just have 8.

It’s simple meth.
I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig…the poem may not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep.
Robert Crinklethumbknut, international tongue-twister champion, made headlines when he got arrested. The rumor is, he’s getting a really tough sentence.
Why do mathematicians tend to marry larger women?
Because they like curves.
The guests in this hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

Dirty bastards!
“I want to win 10 million in the lottery, just like my dad did!”

“OMG, your dad won 10 million in the lottery?!”

“No, but he always wanted to.”
What do you call somebody who keeps abandoning their diet plans?
A desserter.
Your shit is my daily bread.

Michael, 36, Sewage worker
Wherever I go, I’m greeted with much warmth.
Derek, 53, Fireman
You’re becoming a vegetarian? I think that’s a big missed steak.
Where do cows like to go in their spare time?
In the Muuuuuuseum.
Do you know how they make holy water? They boil the hell out of it!
Velcros are just a big rip-off.

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today. He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
Were French fries originally made in France?
Nope, French fries have always been made in Greece!
I know that I'm fat but I’d be really rich in Britain. There they measure their wealth in pounds.
One pen to the other: You are INKredible.
The 3 unwritten rules of business:

Two wi-fi antennas got married last Saturday. The reception was fantastic.
I caught some vegans in my basement.
I mean, I think they're vegan. All day long, they keep shouting 'lettuce leaf!'
It’s not nice making fun of fat people.
They’ve got enough on their plates as it is.
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of Best Puns

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | New Puns

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